• Zoe Franznick

Strete Smarten!

Updated: Feb 21

Ever wondered how to make it through the day-to-day life of the Middle Ages? Don't worry, we've compiled all the best street smarts throughout our episodes in one place.

  • For Blood Runes: If you find blood marks or sigils anywhere on your person, don't panic! We've all had to face the reality of our sin. Lucky for you, most blood sigils contain within them the instructions for their removal. Simply translate the Latin acronyms and follow their directions. Remember, you cannot hide from the runes; they will remain. When in doubt, contact your local priest. (Ep. 3)

  • Ask: "What are You?": In the event some strange creature appears before you and begins professing wisdom or prophecy, ask what sort of thing it is. We've found that most benevolent entities (such as the Virgin Mary, a local priest released from the aether, or mysterious strangers bestowing wisdom) will be happy to provide you with an answer. More dangerous creatures, however, (like a talking deer or demon) won't provide such a satisfactory answer and can be disregarded. (Ep. 3)

  • For Hiding a Lover: Parents came back early from the local feast? Your handsy knave gentleman friend still about the house? Not to worry! Simply stuff him in your mattress and climb on top and wait until the coast is clear. (Ep. 3)

  • To Avoid Pregnancy in Same-Sex Relationships: Use protection folks, or, at the very least, wait between partners so you don't accidentally get your lesbian friend pregnant. (Ep. 4)

  • Communicate Early (Especially about Lycanthropy): If you do have a condition that keeps you away from your lover (like lycanthropy, for instance), communicate that early on in your relationship to avoid accusations of cheating later on. (Ep 5)

  • Plan Your Marriages (and Learn about the In-Laws): If you happen to know your first marriage was prophesied to short lived, make the most of it by marrying rich! On the other hand, do make sure that you're not marrying into an early death. (Ep 6-7)

  • Once Exiled, Stop Murdering: Look, we're not trying to dictate your life, but if you've already been exiled from one nation for murder, we recommend not killing anyone else, or else you might run out of places to live. (Ep 6-7)

  • Bring a Map: If you're planning a cross-Atlantic journey, we recommend bringing or making a map. At the very least, know the difference between east and west- it might save you several hundred thousand miles of trouble. (Ep 6-7)

  • Triple Check Your Magic Circles: If you're going to use a sleep spell to ensure privacy while you steal things, make sure that your spell will last as long as you want! (Ep 9)

  • The Ol' Baby Trick: Short on food and stole your neighbor's sheep (or pig, or chicken)? Dress it up as a baby and have your wife moan about it! So long as your neighbor doesn't check in on the child, you're sure to get away with it. (Ep 9)

  • D*ck in a Box: Looking to preserve your integrity and chastity against unjust allegations? Castrate yourself and pop that member in a golden casket! We recommend it to all individuals in governmental power. (Ep 10)

  • Wide Load: Double check your flying carpet to make sure that your novice isn't hanging off the back, or else you may find yourself in heaps of trouble. (Ep 10)

  • A King's Ransom: When you hold a king at knifepoint and he's willing to give you whatever you ask, think a little before you indulge in your fantasy of nubile young women serenading you all day. Unless that's what you want. Really. (Ep 11)

  • Feathery Farts: If you or a loved one are defecating live birds, please consult your local priest, healer, shaman, or witch. A doctor might not help you at this point. (Ep 12)

  • Know your Local Threshold Guardians: Seriously, we keep saying this. Unless a supernatural thing identifies itself, it's better to ignore it. That said, know your local spirits, and if there are voices in the night, don't answer. (Ep 12)

  • Listen to the Prophetess: Seriously, turning it off and on again doesn't apply to prophesy. Don't tempt fate, and don't ask for repeat foretelling. They'll just get worse, and do you really want to hear about your death in that much detail? (Ep 13)

We do our best to accurately research, source, and cite the works we use, and make them available to you, too! Each episode has a corresponding blog post which includes further breakdowns of the big ideas in each text as well as cites our sources and references. We also have the Maniculum Library, which actively collects resources and recommendations for writers, scholars, and geeks alike! We update our collection of Master Lists after each new episode, so be sure subscribe and stay updated!

Are we missing something? Let us know! We'd love to add more knowledge to our ever-growing compendium. Chat with us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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